Long ago, a hopefully far more ignorant and yet well-meaning version of myself told my friend that I did not believe her dead mother was watching over her. I could not grasp, in my limited scope, how such a thing could be. In Heaven, there is no pain, no suffering. So how could those who love us, long gone, look back to earth and our troubled paths without hurting?
What a cruel thing to have said to her.
Another friend's mother committed suicide. After years of battling depression she was released from a hospital. She got up and had breakfast with her family and then went in the other room and shot herself.
At the funeral, the preacher spoke of how her motherly love was gone, but it was replaced with a bigger love, that her soul had returned to God. It did not seem comforting to me at the moment. The big love of God did not seem as welcoming as the softness of a mother's arms.
Where does God keep these souls? And if God can see everything, can these souls not see everything? If our actions cause God pain are these souls returned to him not feeling pain as well?
Sometimes I like to think my Mama is looking over me; sometimes I am grateful to think she cannot see. I hope I do not bring her pain because there was enough while she was alive. She was a good person, an humble person. She loved as God's servants love--in deed, in thought.
Why doesn't she come to me now? People see spirits all the time; some fairly stumble over ghosts, over messages from the beyond. It has been so long since Mama even visited me in a dream. Does it bring her too much pain?
So many days, I wish I could share moments with her -- hear her laugh, bring her joy and pride.
It would bring me comfort to know that she could feel those things from wherever her spirit dwells.